I have never been someone who likes routine, I think of it as both a strength and a fault. I know that many people, especially people who are successful swear by their routines and the freedom that they give and I admire them for being able to follow them.

But for myself I mean that my lack of routine is a strength because it helps me to be adaptable, flexible and helps me to keep going without rocking the boat for others.

By a fault I mean that my lack of routine causes me to struggle with consistency and discipline, often flittering from one thing to another. I think my lack of routine means I give up too easily and lack the confidence I need to pursue the things I would love to pursue. It means that it takes far too much effort for me to even begin.

Since my last country move I have struggled with my creativity and my design work has paid the price. I still take photographs, I don’t honestly think I will ever stop as they help me to see, feel and understand my small part in the world. But for design I need purpose, inspiration and determination. I need comfort and at least a small amount of predictability in terms of time and yes routine. Photography for me is a habit and after 20 plus years it’s just part of me, but design work comes from a wish and a want to push my creative limits, to see what I can do, to get out what is inside, to express how I feel about things that touch my senses.

Finding my footing in this move has been harder than my other moves. My days have too quickly become too monotonous and too routined, but not routines I wish to do but rather ones I have to do. I should have taken control of that when I arrived instead things fell into place like this and now that they are there they are much harder to break and change. It has resulted in me not using my time as well as I would like to and my design work has suffered. I struggle with the amount of things I want to do, even with a tight routine they wouldn’t fit into each day. So my brain fights with itself on a daily basis. Without any routines it means that it takes a lot more discipline to start, its much easier to just put things off until its possible, until the time is right, and we all know that that never happens.

Now this current war has changed things again. Home doesn’t feel like home. My head is preoccupied with everyone being safe. I want the destruction, hurt, uncertainty to end, I don’t want people to be hurting. I don’t understand the need for violence. I hate the fact that the people this affects aren’t the ones who wanted it or asked for it. I want to go back “home” and get on with things. I want to shout at the people who started all this and get them to explain to me why. Deep down I am a hippie, I want peace, love and for everyone to get along. I don’t understand war. All this uncertainty and break in the normality of our days is stressful. I cannot afford to wait for the war to end to get back to doing things.

I have regrets when it comes to creativity and creating. Firstly I always wait too much, hoping for inspiration, motivation or time, this is a mistake and has always held me back, that and my lack of confidence. The second regret is that I don’t give back. I don’t know how to inspire or motivate others to create, I don’t help or teach, I don’t share hardly at all. This is mostly due to fear and a lack of confidence but also comes from my hippie side and the constant anxiety to not rock the boat. I didn’t grow up with that ability to see failure as a learning opportunity. I don’t like to put myself out there. I am always too scared.

I have spent a lot of time recently trying to understand myself and why I do things the way I do. I need to be able to see things clearly if I want to change things and improve. You cannot grow if you don’t know where to water. I am trying to be kind to myself and give myself this time to write, observe and understand. It seems like a good time to do this as we are in this sort of limbo, waiting and hoping for life to get back to calm. I have to stop thinking of things as a race, that I am running out of time.

So this is my rambling at the moment, the thoughts that are going through my head.

the only way is to continue...